When You Love Someone Who’s Too Much Like You

He later told me he felt the same way.

We stayed up all night just talking.

Soon we were laughing at all the same things and finishing each others’ sentences.

It wasn’t until years later that it dawned on me: We didn’t just have a lot in common—we’re almost the same person. With almost all the same problems.

Sound familiar? If so, I have some good news and some bad news for you…and a bit of advice.

First, the Good News

I thought I might have been romanticizing that “psychic connection” I felt in the early days of our relationship, but 15 years later, there’s still no one who understands me better.

Psychology research on the impact of similarity on attraction backs this up. Even the perception that someone is more like us makes us feel more attracted to them, not only in the early stages of the relationship but also in the long run.

Sure, if you spend enough time with anyone, you’re bound to start reading their mind and anticipating their next moves. But other couples will tell you it takes a long time, a lot of work and possibly even some counseling to get to that point.

For us, it just came naturally.

We rarely struggled with communication and hardly ever fought (partly because we’re both experts at avoiding conflict.) But also because we’ve always been extremely sensitive to what the other is feeling.

We are a rare combination of two rare personality types: INFP (4 percent of the population) and INFJ (less than 1 percent).

So what happens when a fairy gets together with a unicorn?

For two creatures who spent most of their lives feeling misunderstood, it all finally made sense. We found a safe haven in each other. We loved the same songs, the same romantic comedies. Wrote each other heartfelt poems. Embarked on impractical adventures. Just two introverted, intuitive, feelers against the world.

It’s nothing short of magical.

Until someone’s wings stop working.

The Realities Of Loving Someone Just Like You

Of course, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. No relationship is.

But there’s a reason opposites attract. They complement each other. Where one is weak, the other can be strong.

When you’re with someone who’s too much like you, there’s no one to pick up your slack. No one to fill in the knowledge gaps. They can’t help you kick your bad habits, because there’s a good chance they have the same ones.

You accept each other as you are, but you don’t challenge each other to be better.

You may be the best of friends, but you’re terrible accountability partners.

And so, there will inevitably come a day when you’re both stranded on the side of the road feeling helpless, and you’re wishing you’d been swept off your feet by a mechanic instead of a unicorn.

Or, maybe you’d prefer the unicorn because you need a little more fun in your life.

There will come a time when you get bored being around someone who’s so much like you, someone who agrees with almost everything you say. You’ll start to crave something new and different. Maybe even someone new and different.

Don’t give up. What you have is rare, and it’s worth fighting for.

Opposites do attract, but they struggle just as much to maintain their relationships—maybe more.

Just ask any friend who’s ever cried, “He just doesn’t understand me!”

Or read any psychology book about male and female relationships. The classic, Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus was published in 1992 and seems a little dated now, but it’s still a bestseller.

What You Can Do

If you love someone who’s a lot like you, your relationship can still thrive. You just have to work at it like everyone else, but in a different way.

First, acknowledge your limitations as a couple.

Recognize that you weren’t meant to be each other’s everything (despite what some 98 Degrees song tells you.) You are not going to “fix” each other, and you may not even be in the best position to help each other, as much as you may want to.

Expand your social circle.

Cultivate good relationships with people who will challenge you to be a better version of yourself, and encourage your significant other to do the same.

Spend some time apart.

Seek out new hobbies you can do independent of each other. This will bring more excitement to your relationship and give you more to talk about. (And you can always invite each other to join later!)

Don’t be afraid to outsource.

If you’re not handy around the house or a good cook, don’t expect your significant other to be just because he’s the man or she’s the woman or vice versa. Learn as much as you can, but know when it’s time to call for help.

It might cost you a little more, but it will be well worth it in the long run.

Focus on what brought you together.

Never stop replaying the highlight reel of your relationship. Remember what it was like the night you met. The moment you first realized you were in love. The moment you first said it out loud. The night you braved a blizzard just to see him. The random hilarities that happened on your honeymoon. That amazing vacation in Costa Rica.

The longer you’re together, the more you can start to lose sight of what really matters. You need to refocus your attention on what is working, rather than getting hung up on what isn’t.

So you fell in love with someone who’s a little too much like you. Embrace it.

Just know that you’re not special, and your relationship isn’t indestructible, even if it feels that way now.

You may have an amazing connection, but you still have to work at it just like everybody else.

Privacy · Cookie Policy · Contact ·

Disclaimer: All content is provided for fun and entertainment purposes only

This app uses data and contents only if they are publicly available or with the consent of the users. We kindly ask you to use the app only, if other users will not be affected adversely.